Guys! Marc and I are going on a trip! Without the children! I’m so excited and also COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY EXHAUSTED from getting ready to keep my children alive from a distance. I want you to know that when I itemize all the duties I would have been doing while gone, it is clear that I should be making roughly $560,000 a year after taxes. I am amazing. I know this because I am needing to involve no fewer than EIGHT (8!!) friends over the course of three days to help keep my children alive. And this is only carpool! This is not food or water or putting kids to bed or feeding and walking the dog or general wellbeing. I’m talking transportation only.
So to the parents among us: GOOD JOB RUNNING WORLDS. You are fantastic and grossly, obscenely underpaid. Go itemize.
When I finish the last four loads of laundry, clean the guest bedroom and bathroom, pack, buy two birthday presents and a package of tortillas, and print out the three-page document for the babysitter, I’m going to go on a trip with Marc. I love him and I love travel, so I expect great things. I also expect him to be sweating when he finally sits down on the plane because Marc tends to get a little whipped up about travel. Happily for him, I have done a little research and have found some travel products that will make him the coolest Midwesterner in any exotic locale. First, I give you…
1. The Ostrich Pillow
Right. So. This is a great option for those of us who want to blend into our new environment. Also practical if you want to have a head Koozie while you sleep. That can of Schlitz will be ready for you right when you wake up!
2. The Super Cool Fanny Pack
Because the fanny was only the beginning! Strap one of these bad boys around your breasts, under the armpit, up your back and over your shoulder. It’s that easy! And tourniquets are ALWAYS in vogue!
3. The UpRight Pillow
This also comes with a drool cup. I’m kidding. But it does double as a neck brace after severe spinal cord injuries. It’s that comfortable!
4. Laptop privacy hood
Listen, no one needs to see what you’re typing. Or that you’re watching The Gilmore Girls again. Or that you sweat when you wear wool head wraps. All of these things are very private and your business alone. No peeking, sicko business traveller sitting next to me. And stop staring!
5. And when you get on the plane….
…put away the wool Sneed hood and slap up one of these babies. No need to interact with your seat mate (even your spouse!), and no need for anyone to see your facial expressions during a plane ride. Because transportation should be isolating, and sometime I just need some ME TIME.
6. The Face-Kini
Break out that Midwest winter skin with confidence. No need to char when you can look like a terrorist AND keep wearing your goggles!
7. The portable spa
So sleek! So streamlined! You can be on Instagram while steaming those pores. And you can pop that squat right in the middle of Terminal B! Gwyneth Paltrow ALWAYS saunas after she flies. She probably uses this.
8. And finally, what every woman needs: a portable urine funnel.
Do you see that dancing girl on the box? She feels this light-hearted because she is no longer peeing down her leg AND she gets a snappy fuchsia carrying case. Skiing down a mountain and no restroom in sight? Climbing a rock wall and no potty in view? No prob! Just disrobe entirely on the slope or cliff face, put this bad boy into position, and you’re good! Then carry the refuse with you for the next six hours! It’s as simple as that!
I feel I have done you all a great service. Bon voyage, Godspeed, and enjoy your adventure!