How much wood…

It’s that time of year again.

The time of new shoots pushing through the dirt, the time of blue skies (if you don’t live in Iowa this week), and the time of the woodchuck.
That’s right. The woodchuck. That disgusting, weirdo animal that follows me wherever I go. I even moved houses a few years ago, but Chuckles followed me. Remember Chuckles
He’s back. He loves me. I hate him.
I watched him emerge from under the deck yesterday and toddle around like a drunkard through my backyard. Don’t ask me why he walks like he’s just getting home from an all-night bender at Sigma Chi Omega. He just does. And then he suns himself on my deck.
The struggle is real and the hatred is strong.
HOWEVER, there are three bright spots with regards to Chuckles this year.
1. He is not a raccoon or an opossum. These are the two animals that win in the Make Kim Whimper department.
2. He is scared of our mini-Schnauzer. I like to let Scout out and then watch Chuckles run. Woodchucks, I will have you know, are not elegant sprinters. 
3. I’m onto Chuckles and his ways. And guess what? CHUCKLES IS A PLAYER.
This completely true tidbit is courtesy of my friend, Dawn, who knows my woodchuck angst and tries to lighten my burden by giving me incriminating dirt on Chuckles.
Here is how Chuckles lives his life: He hibernates in the fall. But then in February, he rouses from his nasty slumber (I’m sure he drools), and he straps on his Don Juan. Chuckles lumbers out of his lair (like all villains) and he checks on his ladies. Not joking. He pays visits to his possible shags, ALL CURRENTLY ASLEEP, and gets the lay of the land. Just checks on the girls, peeps in on their sleeping quarters, and then heads back to the lair to sleep another month.
CHUCKLES IS A CREEPER. He is a stalker. He is the guy living in his mom’s basement and spying on all the pretty girls while they’re sleeping.
What a sicko. Not only does he eat my deck footings, he’s a Peeping Tom! He’s a wannabe polygamist! He has no moral compass! And he’s insecure!
I hope you’re as disturbed as I am about this. Watch out. The world is full of deviants. Be careful, lock your doors, and if I were you, get a Schnauzer.

10 thoughts on “How much wood…”

  1. This. TOTALLY cracked me up. 🙂 We went out to get in the hot tub at 9:30 the other night and found an opossum on our bird table. (Think about it: 6 feet tall platform that has lots of fruit and bird seed on it. If I were to get too close the possum could JUMP ON MY HEAD. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!) The possum was not alarmed by our presence. (sigh) We went to the hot tub anyway. Did not pass by the bird table.

  2. I can't handle this story. HOW DID YOU RELAX?! How did you not cry like an infant and run back into your house?! Are you in the military? Do you have courage reserves that civilians like me just don't have?!

    Props to you, Miss Jamie. You are made of better stuff. Ew.

  3. You need to trap that guy ASAP. Any animal living in my backyard creeps me out. May the woodchuck who was living under my deck last spring RIP.

    Now that we don't have a deck anymore, there will be no more raccoons, opossums, or woodchucks finding a protected haven next to my house and this makes me very, very happy!!!

  4. And how I love you, Dawn Eastman! And your woodchuck wisdom! The only thing that would catapult you even higher on my list would be if you could remove Chuckles from my life. But your knowledge of his lothario ways might be even better…You are fantastic.

  5. Your blog is always great for a good laugh! It's ALMOST as good as getting together with you in person.

  6. oh and I am SO happy he is back. I so love the Chuckles stories. We could set up a Chuckles family photo shoot for you? I don't currently offer that in my menu of listings but it COULD be added.

  7. I'm having trouble breathing. So disgusting. Chuckles doesn't deserve to have his photo taken by you. (But note to everyone else: Check out Twig and Daisy Photography! No vermin allowed.)

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