How much wood…

It’s that time of year again.

The time of new shoots pushing through the dirt, the time of blue skies (if you don’t live in Iowa this week), and the time of the woodchuck.

That’s right. The woodchuck. That disgusting, weirdo animal that follows me wherever I go. I even moved houses a few years ago, but Chuckles followed me. Remember Chuckles?

He’s back. He loves me. I hate him.

I watched him emerge from under the deck yesterday and toddle around like a drunkard through my backyard. Don’t ask me why he walks like he’s just getting home from an all-night bender at Sigma Chi Omega. He just does. And then he suns himself on my deck.

The struggle is real and the hatred is strong.

HOWEVER, there are three bright spots with regards to Chuckles this year.

1. He is not a raccoon or an opossum. These are the two animals that win in the Make Kim Whimper department.

2. He is scared of our mini-Schnauzer. I like to let Scout out and then watch Chuckles run. Woodchucks, I will have you know, are not elegant sprinters.

3. I’m onto Chuckles and his ways. And guess what? CHUCKLES IS A PLAYER.

This completely true tidbit is courtesy of my friend, Dawn, who knows my woodchuck angst and tries to lighten my burden by giving me incriminating dirt on Chuckles.

Here is how Chuckles lives his life: He hibernates in the fall. But then in February, he rouses from his nasty slumber (I’m sure he drools), and he straps on his Don Juan. Chuckles lumbers out of his lair (like all villains) and he checks on his ladies. Not joking. He pays visits to his possible shags, ALL CURRENTLY ASLEEP, and gets the lay of the land. Just checks on the girls, peeps in on their sleeping quarters, and then heads back to the lair to sleep another month.

CHUCKLES IS A CREEPER. He is a stalker. He is the guy living in his mom’s basement and spying on all the pretty girls while they’re sleeping.

What a sicko. Not only does he eat my deck footings, he’s a Peeping Tom! He’s a wannabe polygamist! He has no moral compass! And he’s insecure!

I hope you’re as disturbed as I am about this. Watch out. The world is full of deviants. Be careful, lock your doors, and if I were you, get a Schnauzer.