Oscars Viewing Guide

A thousand years ago, when I was young and carefree, I used to watch movies. Moving pictures, as we called them. It was a grand time, a glamorous time, a time when I could eat an entire bag of Cheetos and not feel anything but happiness. It was a time when I could sleep in until noon and not even have a fever. It was a time when I not only knew who was up for an Oscar but also had seen most if not all the films nominated.

This time has passed.

Here’s what I know about this year’s show:

1. Some girls are going to wear pretty dresses.

2. Some girls are going to wear other kinds of dresses.

3. The winners will receive a little bronze statue man. They will also cry a lot.

4. The winners will be very angry with the orchestra when it cuts them off. Because actors and actresses don’t have enough time in their lives when people are watching them and listening to their every word.

5. Inside Out is up for best animated feature! I’ve totally seen that movie!

6. This is also nominated FOR AN ACADEMY AWARD. Let that sink in for a moment.

Right. That should do it. You’re completely prepared to enjoy another Oscar season! Get out your swan dress and your Cher headpiece and you’ll be good to go. Cheers and a happy red carpet to you!