Reasons I’m Not Famous

Did you watch the Golden Globes? Yeah, me neither. I had good intentions and I think Amy P. and Tina Fey are hi-larious, but I get so distracted so easily and I think that night I cleaned out my shoe rack. Turns out, the Birkenstocks I bought in the mid-nineties really AREN’T coming back in style.

Which brings me to the subject of the day: Why I Am Not Famous and Should Never Be Allowed to Attend a Fancy Party. First, I might try to wear Birkenstocks. Second, I would absolutely not wear an appropriate dress/gown/ensemble, particularly if we take a look at what important people were sporting this year at the GGs. First, I give you Jessica Chastain:

Gorgeous and talented. But Sea Foam on me would be more like Sea Sick and Midwestern. Her pale and beautiful does not translate to my skin in Iowa winter because there is very little justice in the world. Finally, a sports bra would really ruin the whole look here but I’d be terrified to let things take their natural course. Sea foam sports bra it would be.

I think Halle is a lovely person, but if I tried to poke and prod my extra flesh into this ensemble, I would either be arrested or tied over a spit with an apple stuck in my mouth.

On to J-Nude.

I don’t see the love here. Why nude panty hose behind lace? Is this pretty? I am missing the point, I am sure. Also, I could stare at the camera with a smoldering gaze until all the cows came home and I’d still look like I forgot to cover the groceries.

Emily Blunt:

A wholly unnatural way to stand, but we’re talking clothes here and I have to say it: Cut-outs will never touch this bod. I’m trying to show people God LOVES them, not the opposite. Trust me when I say a midriff cut-out would communicate hatred to all God’s children.

I have such a long, faraway journey to make before I can understand the ways of fashion. In the meantime, anybody need a pair of Birks?