Reasons I’m Not Famous

Did you watch the Golden Globes? Yeah, me neither. I had good intentions and I think Amy P. and Tina Fey are hi-larious, but I get so distracted so easily and I think that night I cleaned out my shoe rack. Turns out, the Birkenstocks I bought in the mid-nineties really AREN’T coming back in style. 
Which brings me to the subject of the day: Why I Am Not Famous and Should Never Be Allowed to Attend a Fancy Party. First, I might try to wear Birkenstocks. Second, I would absolutely not wear an appropriate dress/gown/ensemble, particularly if we take a look at what important people were sporting this year at the GGs. First, I give you Jessica Chastain:
Gorgeous and talented. But Sea Foam on me would be more like Sea Sick and Midwestern. Her pale and beautiful does not translate to my skin in Iowa winter because there is very little justice in the world. Finally, a sports bra would really ruin the whole look here but I’d be terrified to let things take their natural course. Sea foam sports bra it would be.
I think Halle is a lovely person, but if I tried to poke and prod my extra flesh into this ensemble, I would either be arrested or tied over a spit with an apple stuck in my mouth.
On to J-Nude.
 I don’t see the love here. Why nude panty hose behind lace? Is this pretty? I am missing the point, I am sure. Also, I could stare at the camera with a smoldering gaze until all the cows came home and I’d still look like I forgot to cover the groceries.
Emily Blunt:
A wholly unnatural way to stand, but we’re talking clothes here and I have to say it: Cut-outs will never touch this bod. I’m trying to show people God LOVES them, not the opposite. Trust me when I say a midriff cut-out would communicate hatred to all God’s children.
I have such a long, faraway journey to make before I can understand the ways of fashion. In the meantime, anybody need a pair of Birks?

0 thoughts on “Reasons I’m Not Famous”

  1. I've been sporting the high cut boot, dark legging look with big sweaters all winter. Someone asked me if those are my "hooker boots" which was quite funny, as there is literally a very low heel on the boots. I assured them that they were "Clarks" which is the Polar Opposite of Hooker anything, they were relieved. We midwestern girls should stick together!

  2. Hilarious. I will have to text you the convo I had with my brother about a pair of shoes I recently pulled out of my closet. My SIL said to call them "vintage." My brother had other comments that were funny. Insulting, but funny. The shoes remain "cute" in my mind though and I will be wearing them in public. And Makila said they were cute, too, so that means they are completely acceptable to still see the light of day. Right???

  3. Too funny! I loved Tina and Amy's comments about the time leading up to the award show being "The Hunger Games" and afterward being "The Life of Pi". There aren't enough Spanx on the planet to get me into one of those dresses!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *