Swimming Upstream

Swimsuit season is upon us, friends. Try not to hyperventilate into a paper bag, as some insecure, writer types have been known to do. Try not to think about when you used to make derisive comments about your body before you had children, only to discover later the sheer relativity of “big thighs” or “love handles.” Instead, feel victorious that you aren’t headed out to your local swimming pool in this:

Do you know there is a name for this thing? It is called a MONOKINI. Mono, from the Latin of “one,” and “kini” from the Polynesian for “not enough to cover the groceries.” This style, I feel, is a danger to public swimming holes everywhere. Think of the therapy bills racked up by unsuspecting passersby. What happens when a girl needs to get out of a model’s pose to, say, pick up a child? Sit poolside? Eat a snowcone? NOTHING GOOD, I assure you.

I, for one, will embrace my tankini with joy this summer. Tank, from the Latin for “large swath of military-like material” and “kini” from the Polynesian for “less six-pack, more milkshake.” Get out there, girls, and be thankful your kini is just what it’s meant to be.

Photo Credits

11 thoughts on “Swimming Upstream”

  1. Oh.my.word. I am so laughing at you. About two weeks ago, I saw these swimsuits online at my favorite t.a.r.g.e.t. I about laughed myself off my chair. They are so gross!

    You make me smile!

  2. Cracking up at your humor as always!!! I'm with you. We must outlaw these for the bigger-boned women that already think they look good in Spandex. Someone could seriously get injured. Dave

  3. LOL, this is great, and I can SO relate to the bit about making derisive comments about my body pre-children and then wishing I could get back even close to that size again now.

  4. Hah! Kim….I am so glad you are blogging! I need a dose of Kim humor more often! You have me laughing out loud. Can't wait for your next book!

  5. This is not a joke. Two years ago my husband and I took a vacation sans kiddos to St. Lucia. I bought a bikini before leaving (thanks to temporary insanity brought on by NY winters), but when we got there I was too shy to wear it. That is, until I realized it was Geriatrics Day at the beach. Day 2: I pulled out my bikini with pride — only to discover it was Honeymooners Day at the beach. By day 4 I had convinced myself I looked pretty darn good for someone who had birthed two kids! I wore the bikini … and huddled shamefully under a palm tree while Victoria's Secret completed a photo shoot on our private beach. UGH!!! It was horrible. BUT I still have two beautiful children (and the love handles, stretchmarks and sausage thighs to prove it) and those models probably still have anorexia and disproportionate breasts.

  6. I LOVE this story. Why, oh why aren't there Geriatric Days at MY local swimming pool? Or "Hungover And Looking Like It" Days? Or "Haven't Had Time To Work Out Since Aught Two" Days?

    Now, that might give me an incentive to get out there and swim. Maybe even in a monokini.

    Thanks for the post, Tanya. (Visit her blog by clicking on her name [inthedailies] above!)


  7. Now, it's important to view these things from all angles. This monokini: is it functional? No. Attractive? Heck no. A creative solution for women with an aversion to plucking their "treasure trail?" The design has possibilities.

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