The Skinny on Skinny

Can we just take a moment to discuss the phenomenon called Skinny Jeans? WHAT IS GOING ON IN AMERICA? I know, I know, I need to hippify myself. It’s true. After the better part of the last decade devoted to getting pregnant, growing to astonishing sizes, having babies, remaining at astonishing sizes, and then gradually going back down in weight but in such an odd, lumpy way, my wardrobe suffered. My younger, very stylish sister came over recently and tried, at first diplomatically, to weed through what had become the Closet of Doom. She’d say things like, “Do you actually wear this?” and “Why is this in your closet when it first appeared during the Clinton administration?” By the end of her intervention, she’d say things like, “No. Non. Nyet. How will you best understand this? And did you get that in the juniors department?”

“Maybe,” I’d say and then toss it in the donate-to-real-life-juniors pile.

But the thing is, she was absolutely right. I needed help. Times have changed, people! My worn and loved St. Olaf sweatshirt, for example, does not flatter a chest that has nursed three babies and now points downward when it points at all. Clog-like shoes were great for teaching Spanish to high schoolers around the time of Y2K, but it was time for them to visit the great clog depository in the sky. And now that I’m 34, it’s time to delve into the wild and unforgiving world of accessorizing. It sends chills. Really.

My sister did a great job. This is, in fact, her job. She helps the fashion-challenged and rights all our wrongs with a sweet smile and a willingness to work with any budget. I obeyed her with complete trust, nodding with uncharacteristic older sister submission, until she said with caution, “I think you should consider skinny jeans.”

I would have kicked her out of my house, but she’s related to me and the holidays loomed. Instead, I said simply, “Absolutely not and you should get off crack.”

This conversation went nowhere until I had a pile of jeans in a fitting room. I was nervous, friends. Visions of disaster scurried through my head, worrisome images like this:

And this:

I believe the “V” on the pocket stands for VERY, VERY HORRIBLY WRONG. And is she wearing tap shoes? As some sort of distraction technique?

But I soldiered on in that fitting room because when you have a hip sister who has never led you astray, you give her the benefit of the doubt. And reader, I bought a pair. OK, all right, they’re kind of almost-skinny jeans. Skinny jeans for the nervous. They do NOT hug my ankles and even flare just a bit. But, incredibly, I like them! I wear them! And even Marc thinks they’re sassy and cute. This from the man whose last words to me before leaving on my shopping trip were, “Just don’t buy those disgusting skinny jeans.” Of course, we’ve all seen what HE’S been wearing, so….

So I succumbed, but only in an age- and body-appropriate manner. Watch out, fashion world. I’m taking you by storm! Sounds like a lot of walking….Wish I still had my clogs.

Finders Keepers folks: Don’t forget to send in your photo of your favorite drop-off! E-mail your favorite to The deadline is Tuesday, December 1, to enter to win the Grand Prize-O-Rama. Good luck and many thanks!

11 thoughts on “The Skinny on Skinny”

  1. The added pic's are too funny. When we moved 3 1/2 yrs ago – all I saw here were skinny jeans – on young and old. Sporting a curvier figure and short legs, not my best look. But, a pair of straight leg jeans or 'boot pants' which are tucked right into the boot are OK.
    Finally tossed the pre-pregnancy jeans – just because they still fit, doesn't mean they should be worn in public! 🙂 Enjoy the shopping and a sister willing to help

  2. You are brave, my friend! I cannot ever see myself trying to squeeze into skinny jeans…

    I've tried sending you a couple of pictures of my Finders Keepers drop off spot, but the message gets returned saying the box is over quota. Is there another email you'd like it send to? Thanks!

  3. Bobbie-

    I'm not brave. I'm tired. My sister is VERY persuasive and I tend to give up.

    Sorry about the e-mail problem. I should be good to go now but will let my web folks know of the quota issue. Let me know if you have more problems getting to me. Thanks. 🙂

  4. Kim-
    You haven't changed a bit…you're still absolutely hilarious. Thanks for the laughs. I needed them today (I'm FIVE days overdue with our third child)…and let's just say that my tush will not be seeing any skinny jeans soon! -Molly (Sharpe)

  5. I too listened to my fashion- wiser younger sister. I came home with expensive,but sassy, curve hugging jeans! We are now expecting our little surprise in early February! I guess she knew what she was talking about!!! As a side, I won't be able to wear those jeans again until they are out of style, but I guess they worked their magic for the time being- albeit a short time!!!

  6. I just read about you on my friend Whimzie's blog (she's giving away our books). I searched inside Stretch Marks on Amazon and then hopped over here. Man, you're funny.

    I'm 34 too. As of October 31. And I would looooooove to read your book and blog about it if your publisher has one to spare. I can even trade you for one of mine if you'd like.

    And HEY! Just thought of something. My newest book is called Expecting and may go well with Stretch Marks. Hmmmm…

    Nice to meet you, Kimberly!!

  7. Kim – everytime I see "skinny jeans" in a store, I simply look away. I could have worn them at age 10…………when I was tall, lanky and had no hips. Not any more. Oh and I'm older than you by a lot, and it doesn't get any better. You know what they say, spot exercise just doesn't work! (and the spots on my body that need work are numerous!!)

  8. Major props on the skinny jeans. I consider them every once in a while. Even tried them on once. It may take some convincing for me to actually purchase a pair though…

  9. Okay I want pictures in these jeans my friend…I will NEVER wear those jeans. EVER EVER EVER! BUT I can't wait to see how cute and sassy you look in them.

  10. Where did you find those pictures of me??? Is it possible that with the passing of time a girls jeans BECOME skinny? …OR is it that they just feel that way. You are hilarious, KIM! Love you, Sweetie!!

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